I guess to start a new journey, you have to finish the old one. Why is it so hard? Christmas has come and gone. I've started sleeping most nights at my new place. But that seems to be all that I am doing there.
We were waiting to tell the boys that I am moving out until after Christmas. Christmas was a few days ago. Why won't we talk about it? Why do we avoid it?
There is this dead zone that I'm living in right now. Halfway between worlds. A foot in both, not sure I'm making the right steps. I live a lie every time I walk in that door and say hi to my boys. I look at them and see how much they love me and I think, "not now, not tonight. Let them be happy just a bit longer."
I'm scared as hell.
I need someone to hold my hand, tell me it's all going to be okay. Tell me i will find love. Tell me I'm doing the right thing. Tell me life is worth it.
Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm not really depressed.
Maybe I just need more sleep.
I've been staying at the "family home" as one friend calls it, until 10:00 every night. Having dinner, watching television, putting the boys to bed like everything is normal. But everything is far from normal. As soon as they're in bed, I pack up some clothes, carry a few more personal items to the car, and head to my "single man's home".
It does make me happy walking through those doors. Knowing it's mine. Decisions won't be made for me here. I putz around for an hour, maybe more. Chat online a bit too late. And try to fall asleep, knowing my boys are 20 minutes away if anything should happen to them. If they wake up with a nightmare, I'm not there. If they get sick, I'm not there.
I wish I could cut myself in two. Half of me could go live the gay life, half of me could stay there with them, being the dad and husband I promised to be. Maybe then I could be happy again.
See Shannon's full story here>
We were waiting to tell the boys that I am moving out until after Christmas. Christmas was a few days ago. Why won't we talk about it? Why do we avoid it?
There is this dead zone that I'm living in right now. Halfway between worlds. A foot in both, not sure I'm making the right steps. I live a lie every time I walk in that door and say hi to my boys. I look at them and see how much they love me and I think, "not now, not tonight. Let them be happy just a bit longer."
I'm scared as hell.
I need someone to hold my hand, tell me it's all going to be okay. Tell me i will find love. Tell me I'm doing the right thing. Tell me life is worth it.
Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm not really depressed.
Maybe I just need more sleep.
I've been staying at the "family home" as one friend calls it, until 10:00 every night. Having dinner, watching television, putting the boys to bed like everything is normal. But everything is far from normal. As soon as they're in bed, I pack up some clothes, carry a few more personal items to the car, and head to my "single man's home".
It does make me happy walking through those doors. Knowing it's mine. Decisions won't be made for me here. I putz around for an hour, maybe more. Chat online a bit too late. And try to fall asleep, knowing my boys are 20 minutes away if anything should happen to them. If they wake up with a nightmare, I'm not there. If they get sick, I'm not there.
I wish I could cut myself in two. Half of me could go live the gay life, half of me could stay there with them, being the dad and husband I promised to be. Maybe then I could be happy again.
See Shannon's full story here>
No comments:
Post a Comment