PART ONE: EARLY DAYS
I read an article the other day that it is Playgirl's 30th anniversary coming up. In that article, the thought was expressed that publication of nude men in that magazine was part of the coming-out process for many men. Reading along, I remembered how I had used Playgirl to bring some sense of excitement to my then-single life and how it piqued my curiosity for how men would treat men in a bedroom setting.
I am 59 years of age, and my first actual act of sexual intercourse took place within a month or so of my 19th birthday. Of course, I had practiced frottage prior to that (not like I had an idea it was called that!), but my penis had never touched another crotch. At that time, I was exclusively heterosexual. My first masturbatory episode had been with another young teenager (were we 13?), but this didn't involve any hands other than my own. Throughout my teen years, I was dating girls my own age and loving it. Within a week or so of my first true sexual encounter, I had another and then another - I was on my way to the sexual revolution!
I was beginning to date a wonderful young lady, who might have become my first wife had not the Vietnam war been in the way. Eventually, we realized our love for each other; and, it being the times that it was, we naturally began a sexual relationship. Our sex life was delightful and never did the thought of a man enter my head. Of course, it was such a taboo at the time that I was probably (and properly) afraid to even contemplate such a thing. We broke up shortly after I got drafted and I then also began a tour of duty in Vietnam. There, I eagerly treated myself to the prostitutes who were virtually everywhere. Again, this meant female only. One evening, in the enlisted men's club, another guy put his hand on my knee as a sign of desire. I quickly told him I wasn't interested (it's true - I wasn't).
After leaving the Army in 1971, I enjoyed my single life until meeting a young woman who I thought would work out for me. It didn't - suffice to say, our relationship was poor. I was much desirous of sex, but she wasn't. Who knows - maybe it was the beginning of her lesbianism! I really don't know, as she and I never spoke again after breaking up.
In the early 70s, homosexuality was more evident in the population than it had been earlier. I worked with several gay guys, though I was unaware at first. Of course, my upbringing told me this was something to avoid, so I learned to look the other way while working with these guys (though I often suspected they got further on the job than I did due to their being gay). Around this time, I was beginning to incorporate Penthouse Magazine in my reading habits. Now Penthouse was famous for its Forum, which at that time had letters regularly discussing such things as trysts with people who had artificial limbs and so on. Also among the letters, you'd find discussions about three-way sexual encounters (2 men, 1 woman, etc.).
Needless to say, all this eroticism in the Forum served me well in my masturbatory fantasies. I don't recall ever using the threesome descriptions, but it was nevertheless imprinted in my mind. I began fantasizing - picking up such other interesting reading material as Hustler, etc. There was a plethora of reading (jerking off) material out on the market then, and the pictorials got more graphic, with lesbian scenes, two women with a man, etc. Naturally, every time you'd see a man in the pictures, it was someone quite well hung. I don't recall desire cropping up, but I do recall marveling at the size of some of the penises in the pictures.
I don't know what originally possessed me to pick up my first issue of Playgirl. I knew that it was aimed at the women of the world - giving them an erotic counterpart to Playboy - but my curiosity certainly gave me the inclination. Back then, all you could see was limp penises (if at all). I found myself turned on by those pictures, and I naturally fought the inclination. At the same time, I found myself attracted to the men featured (such strong, handsome models!). Living alone, I actually cut out some of those pictures and put them on my walls as an enticement when I would masturbate.
Being exposed to Forum, Playgirl, my fellow employees (some of them out of the closet); I found it easy to wonder what sex with another man would be like. On most of my weekends, I'd swing by one of the local bars to see who was around (many friends would come by and there was always women with whom to converse). One night, I was sitting at the bar alone, seated next to an older man. We chatted amiably, and the talk swung to our experiences in the military. I recall the topic of sex coming up, though I can't be sure who broached the subject of "where and when and with whom." Soon, I learned that this man had encounters with other men when in various ports - guess whose penis sprung up. I found myself sitting closer to him so that I could rub my leg against his. Clearly, the discussion was turning me on.
That night was my first sexual encounter with a man - I was probably 23; he was probably in his 50s or more. We exited the bar, climbed in his pickup truck and drove somewhere secluded. I don't have much recollection of what happened, but it's a certainty that my hand slid down his penis, and his mine. Whether there was any oral contact I don't remember, though it is certain I didn't open my mouth. We drove back to the bar and sat back down afterwards, as if nothing had happened at all.
PART TWO: MOVING ON
After my first experience with a man, I continued to wonder about myself and what another encounter would be like. I don't recall how much time elapsed between #1 and #2, but my fantasies had certainly increased in both frequency and intensity. I had begun accumulating copies of Playgirl, which became nothing but a masturbatory accessory. I actually would read some of the articles, though, particularly if they had anything to do with satisfying a man sexually.
One night, having decided that I needed to further explore my sexuality, I made up my mind that I was going to go out with the expressed purpose of meeting another man. My normal activities on weekend evenings consisted of visiting the local bar, to see who all was around and to chat and converse with men and women - all strictly heterosexual encounters. Later, I had the habit (once the bars closed) of retiring to one of the donut shops that was open 24 hours (yes they had them then!) or to a diner located just up the road from my home.
I sought out the diner, as my hunger in my belly as well as in my loins was great. There, I met and began conversing with another man; and my purpose was, I hoped, to be fulfilled. After some conversation (mind you - this is many years ago, so memory isn't all that clear), he and I agreed that it would be profitable for him to follow me back to my home (wow - the risk!) and that we could crawl under the covers and deal with whatever came up.
We did just that, and at 2 or 3 in the morning, we repaired to my home, traipsed upstairs and climbed in my bed. This was a much more aggressive man than the first I had met, and that was okay - to a point. After some rubbing, etc., he kissed me. For this I was thoroughly unprepared. I had never kissed a man in my life, and I wasn't ready to do so this night. It thoroughly turned me off, and I asked that he leave. From my standpoint, he had ruined the evening for me. He left without incident, and I immediately crawled far deeper into the closet I had constructed.
It was many years before I would have the guts to seek out male sexual companionship again. My fantasies never left, of course, and I readily goosed those fantasies on a regular basis.
PART THREE: UNDERGEAR CATALOGUES IN THE MAIL!
I married in 1975, at the age of 26; not having had male sexual relations for at least a couple of years at that point. My wife and I had a very good sex life, and we were happy together. I did, however, continue to read "porn" (if Playboy & Hustler & Penthouse are considered porn).
In time, I found myself drawn to thoughts of threesomes, swinging, etc. I'm quite sure, especially now, that those thoughts were mainly due to my inner desire for male on male interaction. My wife would read Playgirl on a semi-regular basis, and when she was absent from the home, I often masturbated with her copy of the magazine. I also was beginning to accumulate copies of Blueboy and other such gay magazines, along with some of the other gay-centric books of the time. Soon, I found chat lines (1-800 numbers). I initially got started on that and only spoke with the girls that populated them. Once I learned that you could "go private" with someone, I felt a natural urge to do so with some of the guys who were on the line. I don't recall exactly what I did, but undoubtedly, I used up some of my cum on those chat lines. I had earlier begun calling the sex phone lines that had women call back and discuss anything you desired. I then discovered that there were sex lines for gay purposes! That meant even more fun.
Again, I was having no meetings, no sex, no encounters with men, but over the phone was a different story. And to think that I denied being gay all those years! Yet another thing that I just recalled is indicative of my mindset back then and clearly showed me my direction, though it took a lot longer to follow that direction. In late 1986, I took a job with a local bank that was open on Thursday evenings until 8 pm. On leaving work one Thursday, I discovered a new show (new to me) on a local college station, called "This Way Out." I had been a fan of college radio for quite some time already, and began to listen to what was, to my surprise, a gay news show. This became my regular routine for most of the rest of my duration at that job, which I left in early 1990. I truly didn't give it much thought - that I was actually gay - but I have to say I enjoyed listening to the show. If my memory serves me well, I think I convinced myself that I was simply getting a little perspective on the whole "gay thing."
Obviously, I was very much in denial. Our relationship withered over time. My wife gained a lot of weight, and sex with her was much less enjoyable. My fantasies were exclusively about men when I would masturbate, though I did have a couple of almost-affairs with women I worked with. Nothing came of that - it was more emotional than anything else. In my gay fantasizing, I found that anal stimulation was most enjoyable.
At first, of course, my anal impulses were finger only. Oh, and I just remembered this: my wife and I did have anal sex on a few occasions - my first efforts at being a top! She and I actually had a conversation about her grabbing a dildo and using it on me anally, but that never came to fruition. There was no fruit involved, but vegetables became a part of my personal sex life. I searched the refrigerator and discovered that carrots and cucumbers were nice fits for my anus. I don't remember fantasizing about being mounted by someone when I experimented that way, but I'm also quite sure that was the case.
In 1990, I had a new job that led me to meet many new people. One of them was a Guyanese woman with whom I had a social, mental and everything-but-sex affair with. I fell for this woman. She ended up doing me very badly, but that's another story. I also found myself bedding down eventually with a Puerto Rican woman - a nice substitute for my now quite overweight wife. By 1993, I realized that my marriage was over, and I moved out of the home and moved on. During the marriage, I had never met a man with whom I had sex. Fantasies, yes; reality, no. I was still dating women, and that was my main thrust. Through the mid-90s, I continued to date women and had a wonderful sexual relationship with a sweet young woman - there was love involved too, and I don't mean to demean that - and she insisted on telling me that I had stanima (stamina).
Even though she and I slept together regularly, I was regularly receiving International Male and Undergear catalogs in the mail. As I would thumb through those catalogs, I found a peculiar and familiar sensation in my pants. I constantly found myself getting hard! Go figure. There was one model in particular - Glenn Kaufman - who intrigues me. He was as handsome as any man I'd ever seen, and he had a spectacular body. I realize I'm not into muscles or body builders in general, but this guy could certainly wear a pair of underpants! Jerking off was easy when I would see him in Undergear, especially. I always told myself that if I ever should want to be with another man and have a sexual relationship - if ever I was to swallow someone else's cock - it would be this man. Little did I know that the reality wasn't that far away.